Angler fish relationships: not easy
Today I was discussing with Adam the relative sizes of average men and average women and how things would be different if women were substantially (and I mean substantially) bigger than men. We are not used to anything like this, because our men and women are approximately the same size. The same cannot be said, however, for Angler Fish, whose men are much much smaller than their women.
This arrangement is primarily due to the fact that Angler fish live in the Deep Dark Ocean. Down there, there is very little light, so it is extremely difficult to find a date. The phrase “there are many fish in the sea” does NOT apply to Angler fish.
Though the Angler fish man is small, he has a very powerful nose. In fact, he is so much nose that he has room for little else. For example: shortly after birth, his entire digestive system atrophies to the point where he can no longer eat. The only way for him to get any nutrients is to find a lady, and for that he must use his giant nose.
Yes: his survival is completely dependent on his ability to smell the stink of the female Angler fish.
He uses his nose to go around detecting in the Deep Dark Sea for delicious Angler fish ladies. Meanwhile, Angler fish mommas are sending copious amounts of pheromones into the surrounding water. If the gentleman is lucky, he will detect her stink on the ocean currents. Once he catches a wiff, he will have to hurry, because each Angler fish momma can only have one Angler fish boyfriend.
He will have to hurry, and flap his fins very hard—he is less than one-tenth her size, and the ocean is a big place.
When he finds her it is decision time. Since he has no guts, he will starve if he remains alone. If he bites on to her, he will be able to feed, but this will require some really serious sacrifices.
Thus, when an Angler fish man meets and Angler fish woman, he has to do some very heavy soul searching.
If he decides to go for it (which he always does),he will initiate the relationship by biting down on the lady’s body very hard, and releasing an enzyme which will dissolve not only her flesh, but his entire mouth and face. When the process is complete, he will be permanently fused to her bulbous body.
I am assuming that this would be quite a relief, because for the first time, he tastes sustenance in the form of Angeler-fish-woman-blood. To him, I suppose, this is delicious. At the same time, however, some really big changes are taking place in the relationship.
The fusing of their blood vessels, while romantic, has also sent the little Angler fish man down an irreversible path to destruction. Once fused to a lady, there is nothing he can do to halt the decomposition of his own body. The angler fish lady’s dominant metabolism will recycle and repurpose his entire body, with the exception of his tiny gonads, which will remain fused to the outside of her body, providing her an inexhaustible supply of sperm.
He will travel the Deep Dark Ocean as nothing but a shriveled mass of flesh, indeed, he will atrophy to such an extent that for years scientists will not even know that there is such a thing as an Angler Fish man, so puny is he in comparison to his bride.
Update: David Attenborough is very soothing and intelligent.
Update 2: Comment from my mother: “OK - but the angler fish thing. No doubt based on fact and (hopefully) unique in the animal world. But - one wonders why this particular image of the female has captured your imagination. Not to mention that I would say that the male is following the female angler fish’s scent and not her stink.”